A total beginner’s guide to learning about anal play
Sex education is the topic this week and we are focusing on anal pleasure to be specific. Most of us get no sex education at all except a lot of negative f ~ear-mongering, threats to not have it ‘or else ‘, and we move into being sexually active with other humans with no guidance about pleasure or even a clear idea of what consent means. Most of us are severely sexually ignorant and as a result we are also sexually retarded, so we are missing information and subsequently we don’t get to experiment and practice with how to give and receive pleasure. Most sex that occurs is not for the purpose of procreation yet the bulk of sex ed focuses on the biology of reproduction. I posit that if we get comprehensive and factual information about our bodies and about how to related respectfully with others around sex we would be able to have lot more sex and pleasure. Instead we learn to have furtive, hurried, tense, fearful, confused experiences where we may not have even gotten a clear ‘yes’ from the person we are having sex with. e We don’t know what to do to give pleasure and are ashamed to even consider asking the other person what they would like, we don’t know how to ask for pleasure for ourselves. This is a relational or social sexual ignorance so we can’t play well with others.
On the physical side of the knowledge gap, we don’t even understand the potential for pleasure that is the promise of our basic anatomy. Case in point, anal sexual pleasure is probably the most misunderstood aspect of human sexuality at this time. Both males and females have an anus, both have the same concentrated amount of pleasure nerve endings in the anus (on the outside, inside the sphincter, in the rectum, and the prostate for males), therefore both males and females are built such that they are capable of exquisite pleasure (the anus contains HALF the nerve endings in the ENTIRE PELVIS). This should be a billboard public health announcement, haha. It doesn’t stop there my friends, those born with a penis also have a prostate gland, which means they have a higher capacity for pleasure due to anal stimulation than females. This means ALL males (born with a penis, not trans men) can potentially have more pleasure than females from anal stimulation. Factors that increase the potential for feeling pleasure due to anal stimulation are: 1. Context: whether the situation is in fact erotic and you WANT to be touched by that person or yourself (that means doctor’s prostate gland checks are usually not a pleasure nor is an enema – for most people), 2. Pace: slow progression of stimulation so that it only progresses if it is a pleasure and it stops if it is uncomfortable – the concentration of nerve endings means intense pleasure is possible as well as pain so it all depends on initial context combined with a gentle approach and LOTS of lube. 3. Lubrication: ALWAYS use lubricant because the rectum is not self-lubricating and the outside tissues are delicate too so that even dry fingertips can be painful (cut nails very short, file nails smooth, use lotion to smooth the skin on fingers). Better yet, warm the lubricant before using it, that bum will be happier. 4. Anatomical Know How: Know your anatomy – understand that pleasure can be derived from
- touch of the delicate tissues surrounding the anal opening referred to as the rosebud or starfish
- the sphincter which is made of muscles, and
- inside the rectum usually a couple of knuckle lengths past the anus.
all three areas feel different and one does not have to progress past the anus to achieve sufficient pleasure ! and this applies equally to BOTH men and women. Remember that more is not necessarily better.
5. Anatomy: A bonus for men! you are also capable of intense pleasure via stimulation of the prostate gland, praise the maker!!! It is a biological fact that the anatomy of males means they are capable of more pleasure through anal stimulation than females. Try teaching that in sex ed classes! Ha! Finding the prostate involves inserting a finger past the inner sphincter and hooking the finger toward the navel which is why prostate toys have a bend and look like a hook.
6. Pace, Again! : Porn – NEVER proceed with anal play they way you see it in pornography. That is kabuki and not for those who have no prior experience. Also if you haven’t explicitly gotten consent to proceed at speed then proceed with sensual slowness and frequent check-ins.
7. Communication: Communicate early and often – get clear consent, keep checking in, offer to stop often and re-evaluate if what is happening is ok with the receptive partner (this is termed dynamic consent). Get explicit consent that the partner wants to proceed and continue to get feedback. Make sure you go so slowly that it is not possible to overstep their comfort without them giving you timely feedback to back up or slow down or whatever is needed to reinstate a pleasurable comfortable experience. It may just be a need to reapply lube since water based lubes dry out and need to be re-applied as time passes. Consider the whole thing a super slow experiment in ‘does it feel good?’, and like a good algorithm, if the answer is ‘yes’ you can proceed but if the answer is ‘no’ you stop and back up to the last thing that WAS comfortable/pleasurable. Butts are fickle and may not want to play depending on the hour or the day or it might just feel like it’s had enough, there is no pre-set goal or endpoint, ever, so don’t bring an agenda to the experiment.
8. Personal Experience: you should explore your own bumhole before bumbling around with someone else’s most delicate orifice. Think of it as a calibration of your manual skills of giving pleasure with your fingers so that you have an idea of just how gently you need to proceed. The rhymes are not intentional, really! So, I advise that anyone wanting to play with a partner’s butthole should spend time playing with their own so that they understand what sensations are possible and how slowly they must proceed for safe comfortable pleasurable butt play.
I hope this article is an encouraging map to guide you on the road to exploration of anal pleasure for yourself with yourself or with a partner. I think I’ve provided enough roadsigns to help you avoid the common pitfalls. There is a lot of good educational material in the form of books about the topic of anal pleasure or safer anal sex play. The above general guidelines apply to using fingers to pleasure your or another’s butthole parts.
This writing is not an invitation to play with me but is a educational public service that presents my wisdom – a synthesis of years of study and practice in this area so you may benefit from applying these guidelines in your personal life. More later! But the sad fact of all this is that this IS biological reality yet there is so much shame and silence about it. and it has such huge potential for pleasure for all of us that it is an informational crime that we don’t get this information as part of a class called ‘Sex And The Human Body – An Owner’s Manual’. I’m an Aquarius, we want there to be copious goodness for all humankind, this is one of my pet projects, to disseminate useful and pleasure-making information that aims to increase the consensual adult sexual pleasure and allow youngsters to feel OK about what they are going through and see that there is hope for healthy and fulfilling consensual sexual expression once they are of age to share their bodies with another. Most all of us had godawful sex ed, in fact the term would be a serious misnomer, we mostly had no sex ed or we had a confusing presentation of clinical information meant to convey information about human reproduction (which none of us wanted to actually do!), very little if no info about how to prevent conception, and a lot of confusing incomplete info about the risks of being sexual. Sex ed needs to be clear and useful to allow young humans to understand what is happening to their bodies as they enter puberty, Agency – their right to control their bodies (consent-focused info including learning how to say ‘no’ and also how to get to ‘yes’ regarding sex with another human being), learning about pleasure (understanding basic anatomy and how it relates to pleasure), and of course info about the risks of sexual contact and how to prevent transmission of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) including pregnancy (also a sexually transmitted infection which leaves the female carrying a parasite for 9 months and usually results in a sexually transmitted terminal condition called life). I step down from the soapbox. Private Photo Gallery – the current password for my private photo galleries, only available via this newsletter, is prostate The newest private gallery is from my most recent hike. I was able to capture a short VIDEO!! of me by a waterfall and that’s here. A superlative source of sound information regarding human anatomy and physiology related to sexual function is the Scarleteen.com website. If you have teen progeny consider turning the on to this site for sound sex education info. They will be safer and happier and healthier adult sexual human beings as a result of it.